Saturday 14th
by Roo1965
Summary: sequel to Friday 13th. They made it back but Jack's still unhappy about it all...Humour.


**Saturday 14th- Jack's revenge by Roo1965**

**Is that Mulder and Scully lurking in the shadows?**

I sat on the infirmary bed watching the Senator watching the staff go about their business. I could almost hear the wheels turning. Sadly he had passed the 'no Goa'uld in there' scan. Shame, it would have been a great excuse to shoot him and save the Goa'uld. Heh, heh did I get that the wrong way round? Nope, don't think so.

"Yes Senator, we have to do all these tests…well I don't know exactly how much it all costs…it's standard procedure after a mission." I could hear Dr Fraiser patiently fielding the senators' questions.

Yes sure you betcha, we need those scans and stuff. Even after a non event planet trip like ours. Just in case. You never know what might happen…

_  
Oh my God!  
What is it Nurse Mary Sue?  
I was just drawing the senators blood and…well look it's green! (1)  
I thought he'd only hurt his wrist and leg.  
My god he's dissolving! I've never seen anything like it.  
This stuff getting right up my nose, phew  
He's…gone!  
What are we going to tell the President? Or the Oversight Committee?  
Forget that, housekeeping will never get this out of the sheets….  
  
_

Aitchoooo!

I sneeze loudly, startling myself and Dr Fraiser who has materialised next to me.

"Bless you Colonel. You're all cleared for the debriefing sir."

Wha? What happened to the green slime? Oh my mistake he's standing by the door.

----------------------

**I think a sign would be helpful….**

"Senator, SG1, glad you are all okay. Now who's going to begin?" started General Hammond brightly, as we all troop into the Briefing room and settle down.

Said the spider to the fly….

"General Hammond if I may…?"

"By all means Senator."

Oh boy here we go

"Firstly I'd like a notice warning that gate travel is dangerous to your health. That's my first problem with the program .Secondly…."

Ha ha, that noise you heard was me falling off my chair. Hey, a little nausea never hurt anybody, well unless it's food poisoning. It's the snakes, bugs and bullets that will really kill you pal. Besides, we already tried the notice thingy. Daniel wanted it up there. The sign fell off every time the rings went round.

-------------------------

**Of mermaids and men….**

"We had to walk miles for fresh water, what if…."

Oh please, what? You want us to explore planets within a few hours of the Gate? You got off lucky; we've been off world for days, weeks even. At least the stream was fresh, and we didn't have to cross raging torrents, avoiding nasties in the water…hmmmm

_  
Can't you hear it Colonel?_

_No, Senator. What?_

_The siren singing. It's beautiful, calling me. You can't stop me. I must go. You must all come too._

_That would be a no, sir. See Teal'c already has a lady, I've stuffed Daniel's ears, Carter is a girl in case you hadn't noticed, and me? Well I'm just a mean old Colonel, not much to love. I'll explain to the General all about you being lured away by a mermaid….  
  
_

A nudge in the ribs brings me back to the briefing. Daniel looks questioningly at my notepad, where my twitching fingers have scribbled of their own volition.

I just smile back at him, which should scare him off.

"Colonel did you have something to add?" asks the General warily.

"No sir, I'll let the Senator carry on "

(And get it all off his chest in one go while I think of more ways to kill him off without anyone noticing.)

------------------------

**Treehugging in the moonlight.**

"And another thing…staying on planet overnight is nothing more than Boy Scout camping…"

Oh don't you wish, weasel face. Are you pissed because we didn't sing kumbya?

"At least there were plenty of trees for the fire and if I may say so I was glad to be included in the night watch…I am heartened to see you don't relax on a quiet planet…"

Well what did you think that we'd all come home every night? You didn't look so happy at 0200 this morning Senator. But you asked for it. Besides Teal'c like smores round the campfire.

'Course it's not always fun. Forests can be strange places in the dark in the middle of the night. They can have a life of their own what with natives and the plants…….

_  
I watch as the Senator settles back against the tree trunk, trying in vain to get comfortable, always complaining about something. You shouldn't say that with the twigs listening. He didn't want to talk to me. So I don't tell him about the creeper that's twining round his ankles, and the ones reaching for his arms and neck. The bright moonlight bathes him in an ethereal glow, as I silently watch and a soft rumbling voice says.._

_'Almost thought you liked the forest? Hmmmmmm' (2)_

_SNAP!  
  
_

Damn I just broke my pencil.

Oops Carter is staring at me now. How am I supposed to take notes like this? I mean, fancy stopping me from having propelling pencils or biros. Just cause I was in a meeting and distracted everybody by discombobulating my pen. I can't help it. I could always do something else with my hands if you'd prefer. Like cleaning my gun maybe, I can do that with my eyes closed. No one would mind except for the Senator perhaps…

-------------------

**Don't mind the orchestra, it's just the mad axe murderer in the woods…**

"So not only do not find anything remotely useful apart from the UAV which is ours anyway, and how many of those do you lose in a week? Now when we got to the Gate we had to go all round the woods first! Now I think that we should…"

Look I told you that we have to check the perimeter. We don't want to run into trouble, it usually finds us no problem. It's not like in those dumb horror movies where the scary orchestra music more or less tells you NOT to go looking for the lunatic into the woods. This time we brought our own lunatic. A pity he didn't fall into a pit or bear trap along the way.

_  
Colonel, why aren't you searching the woods?_

_Two very good reasons Senator-._

_One: Daniel just translated that sign over there to read 'This is the Forest of Death and Blood'. _

_And two, can't you hear the scary orchestra music get worse each time we step closer to the trees?_

_If you want to go run off and check out the resident mad axe murderer be my guest, at least you'll take the damn orchestra with you.(3)_

I already told you sh…ah weasel for brains, it's so we check no one else has come through the Gate like Jaffa and a god for instance…

_Hold up kids, there's nastiness ahead._

_Let me talk to them, Colonel._

_Senator, they don't respond to negotiation. It's a kind of shoot first, send flowers later kind of thing._

_It can't hurt to see what they want, surely._

_Hi I'm Senator Kinsey. I'm sure we can come to some agreement…._

BOOM  


At least he never had to eat spider broth to seal a treaty. Yeuchh. My stomach still aches remembering that one.(4)

Oh is the meeting finished now? What a shame the Senator has to be somewhere else.

Great, I need to get back to the firing range and shoot at some more targets… Scuse me I'm in a hurry here…

------------------------

Jack is so pleased to be out of the debriefing that he forgets his notepad. He does not see Daniel and Carter pick it up and peer at it.

All they can see are scribbles and doodles- a sign saying gone fishing, a blob or something that might say FBI, a fish with breasts, a spidery tree and a campfire with a pot over it with feet sticking out of it, a spider with a frown and the symbol for Apophis.

All in all they were impressed at Jack's restraint both on the planet, and in the debriefing. Although his continuing massacre of the paper body sheets at the target range were causing concern. They were sure that everything would calm down soon enough, and the Colonel's battle readiness return to its normal status.

The End

Note 1  
X files ref to the whole clone/subplot arc

Note 2  
Reference to Treebeard and Fangorn forest from LOTR

Note 3  
Eddie Izzard ( British comic) does this great sketch about how when you watch horror films people go out in the middle of the night into the woods accompanied by an orchestra playing scary music- to look for the axe murderer. Why? 'Oh it IS an axe murderer! We thought you were a badger. THWUMP. Oh look …center parting……"

Note 4  
Reference to Flatkatski's "Diplomacy" fic at


End file.
